January 29, 2011

What the Nasty Girl Doesn’t Want You to Know; part 1

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:19 am by kellyfdennis

So, how did non-judgment go for you?  If you are like most of us, it was probably difficult to observe without judgment every time. As I mentioned, we all judge and evaluate pretty much constantly. That’s how we develop opinions about things, likes and dislikes.  The purpose of the experiments was to help you increase your awareness of the frequency and quality of the judgments you make.  For example, let’s say you are a person who likes chicken, but you don’t like sushi (you developed this opinion by making an evaluation about the tastes of chicken and sushi; so far, no dysfunction).  You accept a dinner invitation with a group of people. As you are ordering, you notice that everyone so far has ordered a sushi dish. You know that you like chicken, you don’t like sushi; but all of a sudden the nasty girl pipes up and says, “Look, everyone else likes sushi (comparison).  There must be something wrong (dysfunctional judgment) with me because I don’t like sushi the way everyone else does.” Sometimes the nasty girl will even go a step further and call you a nasty name, “These people will think I’m such a loser because I don’t like sushi.”

Obviously, we need some more ammunition to fight back against this nasty girl. The first tool we explored was to practice your skill of non-judgment; the more you can learn to accept, observe, not judge, the more you will be able to refute what she is saying.  Another tool for “talking back” to her is to explore how you perceive yourself; not through her eyes, through an accurate self-assessment of your strengths and weaknesses.  This is very challenging to accomplish; especially if your nasty girl has been fierce in her assessment of you.  Remember, you have believed her without question for most of your life. However, this is a very good exercise to participate in to get closer to your goal of silencing her.

Before we get started, there are two road blocks to this exercise you need to be aware of.  The nasty girl inside your head isn’t going to like this exercise. She does not perceive you clearly and realistically. She will want to talk you out of identifying your strengths or describing yourself in objective, realistic terms.  You will hear her say, “Yeah, but…” Also, sometimes we feel as if we are “bragging” when we identify our strengths.  We believe that we shouldn’t “get too full of ourselves.” (Wow, there’s a nasty girl statement!) There’s a difference between “pride goeth before the fall” and learning to honestly assess our strengths. There’s a balance to be achieved. Therefore, it may be extremely helpful to write out the first part of the exercise; next have a trusted friend or therapist help you to stay objective and realistic, not being swayed by the nasty girl, as you are restating your descriptions.  This is the first time that the nasty girl will realize that you are up to something; she’s going to start to get worried and will probably intensify her insults and pejorative language. Hang in! Don’t give up!

I’ll give you the guidelines for the self-assessment exercise in the next post.

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ponderings on life, food, God, and love

Grace on the Moon

Do Not Weigh Your Self-Esteem on a Scale

on anything and everything

my thoughts on what I see

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